Monday, July 31, 2006

THE KENT GRAND PRIX

My nostrils twitched as the acrid smoke belching from the cart in front filled the air. I turned around and flipped Alex the bird while laughing maniacally. “Eat my dust asshole!” I yelled, though my visor was down and I’m not sure he heard me. I was going to win this bloody race. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. To stand on that podium and be showered in champagne. To be drenched in that sweet golden liquid…….Ah erm. Yeah I wanted to win.

I revved my engine. It felt good. I no longer feared the tank full of petrol between my legs. These days, plastic surgeons are like modern day magicians. My hands clenched on the wheel in anticipation. My heart started to pound as the adrenaline began to surge.

The grid lights flashed red…………………….then green.

I slammed my foot down hard and ran straight into the cart in front of me.

I went go-karting on the weekend. It was awesome. What made it even more enjoyable was that I only got home at 5AM and had to get up at 7AM to get to Kent. I think I was still drunk.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

SHANGHAI - THE PINK LADIES!

This is not a post about Grease!

Out of curiosity, I can’t help having a sneaky peek through the pink frosted glass as I walk by and they’re sitting around idly filing their nails or slurping instant noodles with the oddly detached look of the terminally bored. In the next one a girl is yawning in mid stretch, the others chit chatting away, all in bathrobes.

They‘re everywhere in Shanghai and you’ll find them next to the local convenience store, the ramshackle fruit shop, the illicit DVD store. The small shops with pink glass, candy cane hypnotically twirling in front. I’m afraid to look too long lest I’m hypnotised and find myself stumbling inside while clucking like a chicken.

Now, if you were to see a candy cane back home, your first thought would probably be “Geez I really could do with a trim” but if you were to go in you would probably be getting more than a bit off the top if you know what I mean.

Yes. They are brothels! It’s where a bloke can go for a quickie during his lunch break or to scratch an itch when heading home from the clubs. In theory, you could go in and ask for a haircut but they may look at you a bit funny. I’ve tried. I got a funny look.

The weird thing is that I’ve never actually seen anyone walk in to one of them no matter what time of day and night. It would make sense that they must have some punters otherwise why would they be open. I suspect there must be a back door with a sliding peephole manned by a tiny crinkly madam who bars entry without the secret Confucian phrase. “Man who walk sideways through airport going to Bangkok”.

Or maybe I’m just a romantic at heart.

P.S. If you are in Shanghai and tempted I heard about a bloke who got athlete’s foot on his knob. The mind boggles.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

HUBBA! HUBBA!

My tribute to the beautiful Asian ladies who sadly never stood a chance.....

There she is, Missa Universe


There she is, your ideal
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Universe City
Oh she may turn out to be
The queen of femininity
There she is, Missa Universe



There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties
She'll take the town by storm
With her all-University face and form
And there she is
Walking on air she is
Fairest of the fair she is
Missa Universe

Ed - Okay I took the Miss America song and substituted "America" with "Universe". It's still a cool song.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

MISS UNIVERSE MY ASS!

I’m pissed off. Absolutely spewing. Once again, Miss Universe has typically shown itself to be one of the most morally bankrupt and corrupt competitions we all know it to be. Every year we see the same “so ugly I can’t believe you could call them” women from South or Central America taking out the crown. I can’t remember the last time an Asian woman won Miss Universe and before you even try to correct me India is NOT part of Asia.

I immediately demand an inquest, a chook raffle, a recount even. I’m not a nutty conspiracy theorist. I hated Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory but a quick look over the judges reveals that seven of the eleven are men. Has anyone heard of the term sexual favours?

Taking an even closer look at the judges

Amelia Vega (Aha!!!)
Marc Cherry
Claudia Jordan
James Lesure
Bridgette Wilson-Sampras (Sampras!!!)
Maria Celeste-Arraras (Aha!!!!)
Patrick McMullan
Santino Rice (Just a surname not his food preference)
Sean Yazbeck
Emmitt Smith
Tom Green

Not one Asian amongst them and I have it on very good authority that Tom Green has a raging hard on for Latino women. I read it in a magazine I found on the Tube.

Need I say anymore………

Sunday, July 23, 2006

LUV ME DRUNKEN CURRY

Pri and I are drunkenly eating curry in the gutter as party people stumble by on their way home from the pubs and clubs. I ravenously shovel lamb curry it into my mouth savouring the taste and texture as you only can when you’ve had a skinful.

“Do you wanna drink?”

When I come back Pri has been joined by two guys who have sat down beside her. Gesturing with his thumb one of them asks “Is that your husband?” as I return. We laugh at the preposterousness of the idea or at least I did. Pri cackles.

Encouraged by our response he continues “You’re so beautiful. Are you a model?”

I sniggered. “Have you ever picked up with that line before, mate?” We laugh at the preposterousness of the idea or at least I did. Pri shapes to smack me one.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I WISH MY WILLIE WAS AS BIG AS HIM!

Player passion. It’s something that I thought was dead and buried in the age of the sports mercenary but now and again you read an article that gives you hope that it’s not.

Big Willie has let loose with both barrels and though I may be skeptical of the timing as it could be construed as the perfect way to fire up the opposition and is also highly critical of (albeit deservedly) a fellow teammate but who gives a fuck.

I think it’s brilliant. A stroke of pure genius.

By Willie Mason

LOSING Nate Myles to Sydney Roosters on top of Roy Asotasi going to South Sydney has got me fuming. It's again a case of the Bulldogs paying for their success, and I don't think that's fair.

Let's start with Roy.

I moved to the Bulldogs in 1998, he arrived in 1999, and we have been great mates ever since. I played first grade before him but I have watched him develop into one of the best front rowers in the competition.

The Bulldogs have developed him to where he has been such a great player over the past couple of years. Now we can't afford to keep him. Yet the bottom sides like South Sydney, and those other clubs who aren't as successful, get to grab at our good players. It sucks.

Don't get me wrong.

Roy deserves the money he gets, but what can you say when a club like Souths offers you $450,000 a year and the Bulldogs can't afford to give him what he's worth.

The Rabbitohs have got all that money to spend because they've got players that are average first graders and not worth too much.

Like I said, good luck to him and I'm happy for him to go because he's got a family to look after.

But as I keep saying to him, he'd want to cherish this year because it will probably be the last finals series he plays until he retires. There's no way in the world Souths will go any good next year.

Nate's a different story and that ticks me off even more.

While I'm really upset that Roy did leave because we're great mates, he's done his time at the Dogs, he's been a great player for four or five years, and he deserves that money.

But I think Nate should have stayed because he needs to do his apprenticeship and he's gone and chased some money. You can come with excuses like you need a change or you need a starting spot but it comes down to the money.

I'd have loved to have been in his position, getting thrown $250,000 or $300,000 as a 21 year old, but I sacrificed that money to stay at the Bulldogs - and I haven't regretted it one bit.

I've won a premiership and it's made me the player I am today.

I wished Nate all the luck in the world because he is a good mate but I don't know if he is ready for the leadership role at the Roosters that comes with the responsibility of being a starting player.

The Roosters are going to put all that pressure on him by saying he's their No.1 buy and he's got to replace Adrian Morley. But Adrian Morley is irreplaceable.

He's one of the most intimidating players I have ever played against and it's a shame to lose him back to England. There's no other Adrian Morleys out there so I don't know what the Roosters are thinking with that.

It was the same for me when I was 21. I learned off players like Steve Price, Steve Reardon, Darren Britt and all those sort of older heads.

I sat behind those blokes, picked their brains, watched how they trained and that's probably made me the player I am. It's developed me into a leader. But I was no leader when I was 21 and I was in a better position than Nate was.

I don't know what can be done to help clubs like the Bulldogs retain their players. Probably raise the salary cap again? But to be honest there's probably nothing you can do.

It's a problem that won't go away. Sonny Bill Williams is off contract next year, so are Mark O'Meley and Daniel Holdsworth, there's a lot of them here at Belmore.

People are going to be throwing $600,000 or $700,000 at Sonny, $400,000 at Mark, Daniel Holdsworth has been playing some great football so he could be worth up to $300,000. It never ends.

That's just the price you pay for being successful.

Personally, I don't see what's wrong if a club wins a stack of premierships, just like the Dragons did in the 1960s.

There are not going to dynasties in the game now because the good teams just keep getting broken up every time you have a couple of good years. A couple of the good players come off contract and then they get bought.

We had an opportunity in the next four or five years to really establish ourselves in the NRL as the team that dominated the new millennium but we haven't got that chance now. Roy Asotasi was a real big part of that and so was Nate Myles and we've lost them both.

Turning to tomorrow night's clash against the Roosters, that's going to be a harder game than last Friday night's blockbuster against St George-Illawarra.

There's a confidence in the team after beating the Dragons last week that I last felt in 2004 when we won the premiership. But there's a lot of experienced players there now that know confidence isn't going to get you there.

You still have to work hard and you can't be mucking around. You've got to be switched on for every game and I think myself, Andrew Ryan, Tony Grimaldi and the rest of the senior players will be trying to drill that into everyone.

The Roosters will be tough because they've just come off a win, they're still a chance to make the eight and they're old rivals. They hate us and we hate them. If you play in a grand final and one team wins and one team loses there's always going to be rivalry.

We also need to beat them because they keep buying our players. Obviously they're trying to buy a premiership.

Monday, July 17, 2006

SHANGHAI - DRUNK

Another drunken night in Shanghai.....



I WANT A JOB. I THINK!

I've been looking for work. It's been so hard trying to motivate myself and at times I've found myself thinking about going home. It's at this point I slap myself and tell myself to stop being such a whinging bitch.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

SUMMER SWINGERS

Went to Kew Gardens to drink wine in the park, get sloshed and listen to Hootie and the Blowfish cover bands.

We were sneakily snapped by a photographer.

I’ve got to say Deshy’s photo is pretty good. It’s so good that he’s put it on his Shaadi profile (Indian marriage site). It’s working like a charm as he’s already pulled two lookers.

I on the other hand looked constipated.



Sunday, July 09, 2006

BIRTHDAY OXEGEN

I went to Dublin last weekend for Oxegen Festival and my birthday and froze my ass off. Geez the Irish are a friendly lot though I couldn’t understand a word they were saying.

Over the weekend I was mistaken for a DJ, a Japanese motocross rider and former Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha (who is of Japanese origin). I assured all my fans that we were indeed reforming and to watch out for the new album which was going to rock!

I’ll have some pictures up soon once I get my computer back.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

SHANGHAI - WILL YOU BE MY MISTRESS?

With wages being very low and most things like cosmetics and Louis Vuitton bags being very expensive most women in China simply can’t afford to buy these luxuries without financial assistance.

If you’re young and pretty in Shanghai it’s most likely you have a sugar daddy who will buy these things for you. Normally he will be over forty, have his own business or be a government official and in most occasions already married. All you have to do is shag him now and again when he’s around and the rest of your time is yours. You can even, discretely of course, have younger lovers (puppy dogs) if you want.

In what is I suppose an obvious correlation the prettier you are the more extravagant the gifts become.

A prominent Taiwanese businessman has taken a liking to little Shirley. He’s already married and has two mistresses. This is what she will get if she agrees to be his “fourth” wife, an apartment in downtown Shanghai, a villa in the country, a car with driver and assistance with setting up her own business effectively setting her up for life. I can’t be too sure but I think he likes her.

As an indication of his interest he bought her a crap load of very expensive luxury cosmetics and a diamond encrusted Cartier watch with a retail value of around 120,000 RMB (Close to £9K). She told me she’s going to give it back.

If I was her I’d keep it. Dirty ole bugger!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

DALIAN - LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ALICE.....

A waitress at Mai Shan suggested that a bar called Alice was quite popular. I was immediately suspicious as firstly it was near the Shangri La hotel and secondly sounded like an ex-pat bar but Shirley was up for it and I wanted a change of scenery.

As I entered the first thing I noticed was that the bar was shaped like a penis. We quickly settled on a space on the shaft just below the head. This is where I met the quality controller.

He was drunk, waving hundred kwai notes in the air at the dancers on the bar. Laughing raucously as he slipped them into their panties from his seemingly unlimited supply from his little black bag. He had six local dancers lined up on the bar awaiting his largesse and to each he gave money like a catholic priest providing communion.

I knew immediately that he was Korean.

He grasped my shoulder.

“Ni pang you, piao liang” Translation “Your girlfriend is beautiful”

With my limited and stunted vocabulary I told him that I was also Korean and he instantly proclaimed me a brother. Upon telling me how beautiful Korean girls were he grabbed a dancer and kissed her on the lips. Turning to me he licked his lips.

“Bu hao chu!” Translation “Doesn’t taste good!”

I laughed. Shirley frowned.