THE TRIMESTER OF CONFUSION

I think I put my foot in my mouth again today. Ladies this is not an example of my flexibility but more of my ability to embarrass myself and offend others.

I was sitting down on the Tube today reading my Metro when a youngish lady say in her mid twenties stood in front of me. Now I usually only stand up for pregnant gals or old biddies (thank you women's lib). I casually appraised the situation.

I mentally went through my pregant lady checklist:

1. Does she have visibly swollen ankles? (I start from the ground up ladies) Hmmm 50/50 on that one as she could of just had thick ankles
2. Does she have a distended belly? Once again 50/50. It could of been the trimester of confusion.
3. Is she lactating? That's not really one of them. I'm kidding.

I thought fuck it let's throw the dice so I asked her if she wanted my seat. She replied in the negative and yet took the next available one behind her.

I got that uncomfortable feeling that she wasn't pregnant cause she didn't look happy.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT WILLIS?

Like many of you I’d watched my fair share of Diff'rent Strokes as a child and can still sing much of the first verse and chorus (Such a cool song...I'm humming it now). After school I’d sit myself down in front of the TV and blissfully enjoy the wacky antics of Arnold and Willis as they wrestled with issues like being black adoptees with a white parent, being black adoptees with a white sibling and anything related to former or latter. Whatever it was about the show, it somehow struck a chord with me and I would spend most of my days wishing I was adopted.

I’ve often wondered to myself what ever happened to these kids. There’s been many a time when while doing the washing or taking a piss that I’ve thought “Hey, whatever happened to Webster?” or “Hey, whatever happened to Punky Brewster?” What does happen to these kids after they have been chewed up and spat out by the entertainment industry?

Often the truth is quite ugly. Many of these kids become addicted to drugs and alcohol, do hard time or become security guards.

That’s why I’m starting up a charity called “The What You Talking About Willis Fund for Washed Up Child Stars” or TWYT for short.

Specialising in treating crack cocaine and alcohol addiction and child depression, we believe in teaching these kids the basic skills required to function in everyday society like reading and writing, pharmocology for beginners, colombian economics and burmese hydroponics.

C’mon! Give Punky a chance!

ARE YOU A PINKO?

Has this has happened to you? It's highly unlikely unless you're Korean. You know when you've just met a new person and naturally in the course of small talk you exchange meaningless tidbits of information about yourselves.

What do you do?
Where do you live?
Do you like rimming?

And my favourite.........

Where are you from?

Inevitably you always get the question of origin if you're not white or have a thick accent which I dont really mind.

NEW PERSON : Where are you from?
ME: Australia.
NEW PERSON : No. Where are you really from?
ME: Really I'm from Australia….(of course I would naturally lie about this)
NEW PERSON : Where did you originally come from?
ME: Oh how silly of me for not realising what you asking in the first place, Korea.
NEW PERSON: North or South?

Now let's just stop right here.

Was it the AK-47 strapped to my back and the black pyjamas that gave me away? Was it the "I Love Kim Il Jong!" badge pinned to my chest? Or was it my continued insistence that a centrally planned economy is in fact superior to a market economy that made you think that I may potentially be from the North.

Normally I would just say South but hey that's boring! Now I just say.

ME: North
NEW PERSON: Really? Wow that's great. Aren't they communist?
ME: Well let me tell you about a story about man who was my dad.
A poor revolutionary barely kept his family fed.
Then one day he was shooting at some food.
And up from the ground came a communist dude.

The next thing he knows JB's a fugitive
The kinfolk said hey move away from there
They said Australia is the place you outta be
So he loaded up the boat and he sailed to Syd er ney!

Much better!

I HAVE GREAT TITS!

Wow another rough weekend on the sauce. The omens were good when I quickly glanced at baggygreen before leaving work and we were 7 for 297. All was good as early English hope was being slowly strangled by typical Australian sheer bloody mindedness.

Caught up with the girls at Metra bar and to my utmost surprise the place was full of chongers. Sandy had come through with the goods. Now to be absolutely honest it was refreshing to be in a bar and actually be one of the taller fellas in the bar. I felt like Gulliver when he first step foot on the isle of Lilliput. Gulliver mused “God damn these guys are short!”

It was all good until the music started playing. I hate R&B! Nevertheless I soldiered on got very drunk and grooved the night away to classic R&B tunes by some guy with that band aid on his face (or is that hip hop?) and that other classic hit by some girl with big hair and tight pants.

What is it with chicks and time? “We’re five minutes away” Actual translation. “We’re twenty minutes away”


Quote from Anh "I have great tits but an average face!" By the way before all you women's lib types out there inundate me with abusive emails. I politely asked for her permission which was duly given. I think I said "Can I please take a picture of your chest?"


"Im drowning in a sea of booty!" Shane grinning like a cheshire cat.


I know the Earl of Sandwich first created the sandwich in 1762 when he asked for meat to be placed bewteen two slices of bread but I like this version better. Sandwich anyone? Anyone?


This is a classic shot. I think almost every time I have taken photos at a club there will be one of Deshie doing this “I’m going off!” pose. By the way when they put Bangara on Deshie didn’t go crazy like all the other Indians. I think he’s a fake injun! I had to virtually force him to do the Henny Penny dance.


Who said I cant dance? In your face Sandy! In your face!

I went to a boat party with Carroll on Saturday. I’d never been to one before so thought it’d be a laugh. Take one boat with two decks, add DJs and assorted groupies, add alcohol and other substances, turn up the volume while sailing down the Thames and voila you have a boat party.

I had a great time and met some cool people and also some weird ones. Weird old guy smoking a reefer. “Unintelligible muttering…..Yeah man! I spend a year in Thailand and three months in the UK” “What molesting small boys” I thought. Anyway they played some really cool house tunes and I happily spent the rest of the night busting a groove.

To celebrate the first Ashes test victory even more Ashes haiku……

Spin Revolutions
Warne Adulturous Wrist Spin
Batsmen Guess And Miss

BULLDOGS v BRONCOS SCORE 29 - 22

A celebratory sing song. Hee hee hee!

We are the mighty Bulldogs
the Canterbury breed
we play it hard
we play it tough
we're the greatest in the league

We've got a mighty pack of forwards
and a line of leading backs
when that whistle blows
you all will know
as we leave them in our tracks

So come on mighty Bulldogs
lets show them how its done
with our power, speed
the bulldog breed
will keep them on the run

PIMP MOMMY

“hoon, you're gonna love this. this friday, there are two birthday parties going on at the metra so looks like there'll be loads of chinks...loads of cute girls...wipe that saliva dripping from your mouth! :)”

God bless her cotton socks. Give her a crazy ass hat, a cane and a fur trimmed coat and call her my pimp mommy.

Why am I so deserving of her help. To quote Sandy “You’re a shit dancer!” You know you’ve made a new friend when they can be brutally honest with you and yet you don’t mind or maybe it’s just that I had secretly suspected it all along. Maybe you all knew it and hadn’t told me to spare my feelings. Maybe I’m saying maybe too many times and am now coming off like some weird, paranoid freak.

So if you have seen me dance (I know that’s not many of you as I only discovered the neutron dance after leaving Australia’s sunny shores) please let me know. Can Hooner dance?

As Oprah said today, "You can't get better until you admit you have a problem."

More Ashes haiku.......

The Pigeon Strides In
English Batsmen Hesitate
Five For Twenty One

COME FLY WITH ME, COME FLY LETS FLY AWAY!

New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!
The Bronx is up and the Battery's down
The people ride in a hole in the ground,
New York, New York, it's a wonderful town!

I'm heading to the Big Apple for August bank holiday weekend. Looking forward to yellow taxi cabs, bargain shopping and poor huddled masses (I don't think they let these people in anymore). My non transferable and non refundable ticket was purchased for a measley 390 of the queens's english pounds. A bargain!

It took a while but I finally succumbed to Britney's nagging over msn. He's been over there for six months and is quickly running out of drinking partners who are a. willing to fly over there and b. sleep on his couch.

(May not have actually happened)

BRITNEY : When are you coming to NY?

ME : Fine, I'll book a flight!

BRITNEY : DO IT!

BRITNEY : DO IT!

BRITNEY : DO IT!

ME : Okay

Wow, that was pretty dramatic and worth including. Anyway, I thought well fuck it. I could go to New York or spend the long weekend composing cricket haiku though I'm quietly chuffed with this effort.

Ooh Ah Glenn McGrath
Metronome Like, Perfect Length
Watch The Wickets Fall

I'll be Budapest next weekend for the Hungarian grand prix. My mission - to be photographed with as many pit girls as possible.

Listening to Funeral by The Arcade Fire

CRAIG DAVID OR DAVID CRAIG?

I took an immediate dislike to him when I met him. My dyslexic grandpappy once said "never trust a man with two first names". I tend to agree with pappy god bless his soul.

I never liked how he would boast about the girls he met and hated the fact that he had more free time than me. He once said to me “I met this girl on Monday took her for a drink on Tuesday we were making love by Wednesday and on Thursday & Friday & Saturday we chilled on Sunday”

His constant womanising disgusted me. “So I went in then we sat down start kissing caressing told me about jacuzzi sounded interesting so we jumped right in all calls diverted to answer phone” he sleazed. “Don’t you have any respect for women?” I replied.

But what really irritated me was the way he always communicated in song so in the end I just told him to fuck off!

I hope this makes it clear. No I don’t want to go to the Craig David concert with you Yudesh!

I love this joke………

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Pi*s off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........fu*k it, I could win this

THE ASHES!

The first Ashes test starts on Thursday and I can't wait. The first test at Lords is always special. What adds spice to the contest is that the English actually truly believe that they have a chance of winning it. (I twitter like a school girl in anticipation!) An english fella at work whom I've affectionately nicknamed "Beefy" (He reminds me of a young Merv Hughes sans handlebar moustache) has been ripping into me about how shite Australia are.

"you know the Ashes have never really ever left England" he sniggers.

"Warnie's too busy texting nurses to play cricket" he snorts.

Its's like being in Kindergarden again.

You might wonder why a someone of korean descent would profess such a love of the game. I suppose it's because that's what summer in Australia is all about. You grow up watching it and playing it in the backyard with your mates (albeit badly) so that by the time you're old enough to know any better you believe that going to watch a game played over eight hours a day for five days in scorching 40 degree heat which may ultimately end up in a draw is a great idea.

Bored at work? Boss on your back and you want to stick it to da man? Don't know anything about cricket and are eager to learn. Fire up for the Ashes with a game of Stick Cricket. www.stickcricket.com

HASSLEHOFF IS GOD?

Only in Germany! Discussions were more heated than a session at the G8 summit. The topic of Oktoberfest shirts has cropped up again this year. Suggestions included a Hogan Heroes theme, Seargent Shultz saying "I knooow naaafink!", a Hasslehoff theme or something really nasty in german roughly translated as "You are a horny pig!". Ultimately it was decided that Hasslehoff would be least likely to offend german sensibilities. So Kip has come up with the following designs.


THE DESIGN!


MODELLED BY SUSH.....

Listening to Illinois by Sufjan Stevens

NO, MYLO NOT MILO......

Went to see Mylo at Neighborhood last Friday. It was sold out so I was expecting it to go off. Went with a bunch of Scooter's mates from the Shire! (Sutherland Shire)

My gripes are listed below :

1. Mylo didn't seem to play a lot of their own stuff from Let's Destroy Rock n' Roll. Admittedly my recollection may of been slightly impaired. Quote from Lee "That's been the most f*cked I've ever seen you!" My inability to stand up straight should also be taken into account.

2. Neighborhood was like a sauna. Sweat, sweat and more sweat is okay when dancing but not when standing by the bar. Not a cool spot to be found.

Besides that it was a pretty good set.

If anyone visits London and wants to visit a central nightclub with half decent music then Ruby Blue in Leceister Square is the place. It's usually full of tourists and out of towners who don't know anywhere else to go. This was the setting for my birthday drinks. Had a fantastic time till I told the hot shooters girl that "She was very lovely but if I saw her again I would probably throw up". Ah tequila! I'm so smooth! Thanks for organising Deshie.

Now if you've traveled through London you'll know what I'm talking about when I say "I'll meet you at the Slug". It's a normal pub in Fulham till about 8PM when they start clearing the place of tables and chairs and pump up the cheesy 80s classics and people get stuck into the snakebites! Headed there on Sunday to complete the trifecta of getting smashed all weekend.

(Snakebite - mix lager with cider and a dash of raspberry cordial)

From now on I've decided to keep track of how many times I go to the Slug. If the number scares me at the end of the year I think I'll move.

The Slug Count - ONE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!

The 7th of July will be a day I will never forget because besides being my mum's birthday (Happy Birthday Mum!) it's also the day that I experienced something that as an Australian I've never had to worry about. Terrorism.

Prior to that my greatest fears were public speaking followed closely by bearded women. Being killed while sitting on the Tube while silently cursing the lack of air conditioning or the smelly guy that you're pressed up against had never crossed my mind.

As I walked to work that day I was struck by how eerily silent London was except for the sirens. It was a strange feeling.

Called my parents to let them know I was okay.

(Dramatisation)

DAD : Oh Hi Jaehun!

ME : Hi Dad! How are you?

DAD : You do know it's your mother's birthday? You better call back when she's here.

ME : Yes Dad. Did you hear about the bombings in London?

DAD : Oh yes I saw it on TV.

ME : Well I'm okay.

DAD : Oh good!

Listening to The Hour of Bewilderbeast by Badly Drawn Boy

A WHOLE NEW WORLD..........

I've just turned 28 and instead of doing something new and fresh that nobody has ever done before I am going to blog! I'm going to blog like I've never blogged before.

By the way I am also really, really lazy so I figure this is the best way to keep all my mates and family up to date with everything I'm doing or not doing.