SOUTH EAST ASIA - A RETROSPECTIVE

I've decided to embark on a new project. I will endeavour to relate my three or so months travelling through South East Asia in 2003 on my blog. These updates will be lovingly reconstructed from the ragged remains of my journal (Yes I attempted to keep a journal), crappy over exposed photograhy and my hazy happy pizza addled memories. During this time my email updates to you all back home were sporadic to say the least so I haven't had the chance to bore the majority of you. Do not fear my friends! It wont be stuff like. "7AM - I woke up and took a dump. It was good". Join me as I relive the magic and travel all over the countryside, Leyland Brothers styl'n.

Ed note - These updates will be sporadic like my emails were when I was actually there but can be found in the magical archive section.

IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN......

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I called my mum today to confirm some details for my parents visit here next year. I mentioned in passing that it was good timing as I was looking at moving on from the UK around that time. She asked what I planned on doing. I mumbled something vague about travelling for a year if other job opportunities fell through. Her response was………

MUM: You know you’re not that young anymore?

Whoa! I’m 28. I know I’m no spring chicken anymore but let’s not start polishing the rifle and calling the sausage factory yet. This stallion has a few races left in him.

MUM: You know Yohan (her friend’s son) is getting married soon.

Of course I’m happy for him but I wonder if my mother realises how little I care about the relevance of this to myself. He’s a god botherer (no offence Nattie). You know the type. Sunday school every, well sunday. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for him to get hitched and start procreating. Mum's comments have kind of caught me off guard. Normally this is a situation that besets many of my friends "from the sub continent" and I’ve laughed at them safe in the knowledge that my parents really didn’t care about that kind of crap. Well at least one of them anyway.

MUM: You really can’t muck around for the rest of your life.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the last two years. I thought I’d managed to hold down a half decent job at an investment bank which is paying for your flights!

MUM: I’ll talk to you about it when I see you in London.

You have made a fatal error mother dearest. I still haven’t booked the flights yet.

Ed note - I'm just joking mum. I actually have paid for your flights. They're in the post. Luv ya!

BOOZE BUDGETING!

I've been doing some rough budgeting for my upcoming trip to Korea. I like to get an idea of how much I reckon I'll spend while I'm away. That's just the sort of guy I am. Don't know why as without fail I always manage to exceed it by shit loads. This is what I've come up with so far.

Travel 58,000 won
Food 60,000 won
Booze 950,000 won

A quick analysis of my numbers will be able to tell you what I did on my holiday before I've even left. I didn't do any sightseeing. I really didn't eat that much of the local cuisine. I will be getting plastered.

MY CLOCK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR CLOCK!

There must be one in every town in Germany well every one that wasn’t destroyed during the war. I’m talking about a glockenspiel. It’s like a large clock tower with little puppet type things. According to Deshie (I think he’s been reading Lonely Planet on the crapper again) every town would try and build one which would be bigger and more elaborate than the next town as a symbol of how wealthy they were. I suppose you could compare to a game of swordies on a national scale. "My glockenspiel is bigger than your glockenspiel" the Mayors would argue. You could say the modern day equivalent would be tower buildings. Everyone is trying to outdo each other by building something taller (They always seem to be building these things in Taiwan, Malaysia etc). Anyway three times a day at the Marienplatz, people will gather around this clock tower to eagerly await the jerky stilted movements of the marionettes. Hearing adults gasp in excitement as the two jousting puppet knights went past each other was probably the highlight of my day.

I was more interested in this dude anyway. I wonder if he got anyone to accept Jesus into their heart. I would of but I can’t read German.

Translation - Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14 6. Be reconciled to God. 2 Cor 5 20.

MUNICH MOMENTS

FRIDAY

I have arrived in Munich. Scooter and Carroll are already out on the piss and have been for yonks. The boys head out to the Kulftaprik. The bouncers at Milch Bar won’t let us in. I argue but to no avail. Harry Klein is more accommodating………..

It’s starting to pick up inside as it fills up. The music is hypnotic and trance like. Carroll and I are dancing in the throng. Desh looks tired, Scooter is farked. I’m talking to a girl from Stuttgart. Carroll tries to cock block from the other side…….

6AM and Carroll and I are still going strong. Some locals suggest the day club across the parking lot. We’re up for it. It’s pretty rammed. Jaegermeister burns like a bitch in my throat as the Germans dance. Glass shatters besides us and a girl snarls at her boyfriend gripping the ruined glass in her hand. I look at Carroll. It’s time to go home……

SATURDAY

I think I got two hours sleep before Alex shows up. I groan but the Hofbrau house beckons. Desh had gotten there at 8 to get into the Schottenhammel for the keg opening but had been waiting at the wrong door……

It’s raining lightly and it’s cold which means the tents will be full. The Shire boys are wasted by the time I see them outside the Hofbrau house. Lee and the boyos are well on their way. The Italians are getting rowdy………..

I try to pay a kid at the door to get in and am kicked back out by security but we’re inside the tent now. I join Dan and friends at their table. There are some messy people in here.......

Desh has lost his bag. He calls me on the mobile. I am not at the tent. Where’s my bag? He says. I don’t know I don't have it. We repeat this conversation 5 times……….

Back at the Kulftaprik. Back at Harry Kleins. You look tired my friend. Do you need some assistance. I smile. Germans are such a friendly people. I dance but my heart's not in it. 5AM and its time to go home but the boys are kicking on. This would be the last time I would see Alex all weekend........

SUNDAY

Feeling very seedy today but managed to get some kip. The boys are still at a day club........

The lads from the Shire are wasted. They're just pouring beer on each other now. It's mayhem. German's leave in disgust. Guys are spewing into their steins and trying to drink it again. Waltzing Maltilda fills the air. Barton and the boys are somewhere in the Pig Pen and I leave to find them.........

Rakers falls but still remembers to not knock over any beer. Smithy and Sterlo show up and enjoy the fruits of the Hofbrau (Sterlo stacked it as well). I think they secretly enjoyed themselves.......

Scooter and Shane show up sans Alex. He was still clubbing at 7PM with the Aviator (some German fella with aviator glasses). Security are getting pissed and aggressive......

You guessed it back at Kulftaprik. In K41 which is shit house. Im dancing halfheartedly. Sush and Kyp are back from Contiki and look tired (I think to myself I gotta do Conitki). Meet Scooter outside and we ask a local girl where to go on a Sunday night. She says Milch Bar. We ask if she'll take us. She gives us the once over and says, you all look okay, come with me. We get in at her insistence. It is pretty quiet. The music sucks........

Alex is spotted dancing on the bar at Milch...........

MONDAY

Feeling hungover as hell and lack of sleep is exhausting (Shane snores like a steam train). I’m looking pasty and I’ve got the shakes (the joys of nicotine withdrawal). Dan & Co are at the Augustiner so we head there for our first beer. My pastiness is commented on (bloody English sun). It tastes horrible and I drink it slowly (make that extremely slowly). There’s a totally different vibe in the tent than being at the Hofbrau. It’s mostly Germans with their friends & families which is a nice change from the antipodean maniacs at the Hofbrau. I check out the gorgeous girl behind Tom in her Bavarian dress (Heidi outfit). The legal drinking age here is 16……….

It’s been decided. We should check out some other tents while were here. On the way out some German girls selling roses gush over Shane’s Hasslehoff shirt. They want one. We are happy to………..

In the Hacker tent. The band plays Bavarian beer drinking songs. I’m talking to someone who used to play football with Owen Hargreaves till injuries took their toll and cut his career short……

I’m laughing at the Augustiner. Desh has been belted in the head by a waitress after somebody gropes her. The look of indignation on his face while rubbing the back of his head is priceless………

We’re walking home through the crowds at night. Everyone is pissed and smiling like only drunk people do. Scooter is dancing around like a mad man to the demented music of the fair ground rides. I’m ravenous and cheese on bread tastes like mana from heaven…..

TUESDAY

Feeling horrible today! I vow not to drink anything for at least a month but head to the Lowenbrau anyway. After eating some cheese and drinking a beer I feel good enough to face the Hofbrau. After a beer there I almost want to stay for another day. That's the beauty of Oktoberfest..........

Ill be back for sure.

COOLEST PHOTO EVER!

Okay, some girls are weird but in a really nice way. I got this photo from a girl I met in Shanghai in January this year (see its dated). For all of those I went to high school with, yes that is Eugene living it large in communist China. She has labelled me cute but gay but Eugene is the shining man (I think that means he's really shiny. He moisturises). Notice she has called me Peter. This may be due to the fact that when I first met her I told her my name was Peter, Peter Pumpkineater or PPP. I think drawing on pics with PhotoShop is an asian girl thing. I can't think of any girls I know who would do this.

Photo Title - peter is not peter but he love old & all woman (translation - I like old chicks)

IF THOUST PRICK ME..........

Saturday night was very much like every other, well sort of. Britney was having his welcome home from New York cocktail do at his swanky place in Maida Vale which was great fun (especially once I'd had a few). He should never be allowed near margerita mix ever again. Just because it’s a cocktail doesn’t mean it has to taste like urine. Anyway, being one of the few chongers there (possibly the only non Queenslander), I couldn’t help but ponder about my lack of chonger friends. I'm not exactly sure why but I've always never had well, any close chonger friends. I have friends who are white, I have friends who are brown, friends who are chocolate but somehow I feel like I'm missing something. I'm missing yellow from my rainbow of friendship and yellow is a primary colour! (I think)

I can't quite put my finger on what it is about me that is the problem. If thoust prick me doth I not bleed yellow? I stewed on this for a little while. Growing up in western Sydney I was often the only chonger in school and it may have been during this crucial stage of my social development that I lost touch with the “Chi” (the asian version of the Force). It was within the red hot crucible of my primary school days that vital decisions were made which would ultimately shape me into who I am today. I played footy instead of badminton/ping pong. My hero was Terry Lamb not Jackie Chan. I liked heavy metal (just a phase) and not k-pop. I preferred potato salad over kimchi. Gradually, over time my asianess eroded away to nothing. I had become assimilated.

Well fuck that! I’ve now made a conscious decision to become more asian. Like Kunte Kinte I’m going to go back to my roots. I’m going to smoke like it’s going out of fashion. I’m going to make loud snorting noises and spit everywhere. I’m going to bargain at McDonalds. I’m going to make the peace sign when photographed. I’m going to eat parts of animals that usually are made into hotdogs and enjoy it. I’m going to love kareoke.

This might be easier than I first thought.

THE LAST SCENE!

For some reason the closing scene from Fight Club keeps playing in my head. I loved this flick. But my favourite scene of all time is where Tyler and Marla are holding hands as one by one the office buildings collapse in the foreground to the Pixies' "Where is my Mind"

Jack and Marla look -- OUT THE WINDOWS: a BUILDING EXPLODES; collapsing upon itself. Then, ANOTHER BUILDING IMPLODES into a massive cloud of dust. Jack and Marla are silhouetted against the SKYLINE. Jack looks to Marla, reaches to take her hand.

JACK

I'm sorry... you met me at a very strange time in my life.

Marla looks at him. ANOTHER BUILDING IMPLODES and COLLAPSES inward... and ANOTHER BUILDING... and ANOTHER...

I'M SHAGGED TODAY!

Wow I'm so farkin shagged tonight. Took ages for me to get home from work. It rained and the Tube system shat itself. I'm amazed at how quickly it recovered from the bombings but a little water and it turns into the wicked witch of the west. I couldn't be stuffed waiting for the Tube to Wimbledon so I just walked.

I'm praying it doesnt rain tomorrow. The last test is so evenly balanced and we need a big score. Probably around 500 to ensure victory and I'm also going on Sunday (I think. May have run into last minute ticketing issues). If you want to know how much I love Warnie please refer to previous posts. He's a pudgy, bake bean eating legend.

Because Im feeling lazy I've just copied and pasted an email I received today. Some funny shit which is tre witty. (Thanks Nattie)

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little
seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

Listening to The Mysterious Production of Eggs by Andrew Bird. My favourite song of the year has got to be A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left. He's also a professional whistler! He will be touring London on the 30th of October does anyone want to go?

http://www.andrewbird.net

V IS FOR FESTIVAL

It was with some trepidation that I made my way to Chelmsford for the V festival. Back home Chelmsford was this mental asylum where patients were treated to electric shock therapy. They would give you a rubber bone and a hundred volts and apparently this would cure you of whatever mental disease you suffered from. Modern medicine sure has come a long way from the olden days. Funnily enough apparently it does work as my mate’s aunty can testify.

The first thing I saw when I got into the festival was a small non-descript bin with “Please drop any drugs into this amnesty bin. There are drug sniffer dogs patrolling the festival. You may be searched!” I’m guessing that nobody deposited anything into that thing. It may have been the two coppers standing right next to it that may of put some people off.

I had a ripper of a day. Never thought I'd ever say this about a festival but geez the catering was good. The variety of food on offer was great. Chinese, mexican, pies, italian.....but i digress.

Saw the Magic Numbers whose sound sort of got lost in the open air. They were still pretty good though, even Cleaver thought so.

Kaiser Chiefs spent the whole set saying “We are the Kaiser Chiefs” almost as if we couldn’t read the massive sign behind them saying “Kaiser Chiefs”. Maybe they've played too many charity concerts for the seeing impaired. I'm kind of disappointed to find out that they're not South African but actually from Leeds.

Maroon 5 were okay. They must be the most covered band in Asia. It was kind of nice to hear the songs played by the actual band without the hot Filipino female lead singer.

Jet rocked. A great aussie pub rock band. “Are you gonna be my girl?” went off.

I like the Doves but only when I’m depressed and want to slit my wrists (Not really trying. Just to get attention of course)

Surprisingly for me, Oasis were the best of the lot. You know how much I love kareoke. Well imagine 60,000 people singing every Oasis song known to man in the world's biggest kareoke session. I was in heaven. I’m not an Oasis fan but its kind of funny how you still know all the words. I was so drunk that for a brief moment as I sang the last few lines of "Live Forever" I almost believed I would. Fucking magic!

Cleaver who knows the most imaginative ways to pee at a festival. You are a king!

Steph, Alison & I

A massive sunday session at the Slug. Down there at 3PM for the Chelsea v Arsenal (which was farking boring) and there till 11PM. Have some cracker shots of the Bigness and I off our faces.

The Slug Count - Six

MAGIC MUSHROOM

Every morning as I go for my morning tinkle I'm greeted by my little mushroom friend who I have named "Jesus" due to his Lazarus like ability to resurrect himself from the dead. From time to time he disappears in a puff of powder but like a seriously bad case of herpes he's always back staring at me while I do my business. Cheeky little monkey.

Went to Chinatown for feed last night with the SMGs (Single Mother's Group). After dinner off to Soho for a spot of kareoke. It was kinda funny as I had been talking myself up as the kareoke king for the last two weeks and when it was finally time to do the business I end up with a throat infection and could barely talk. What made it worse was that they were all pretty bad. Crimes against music were committed last night and I demand justice. At least I had an excuse for my poor warbling, I was sick. (ha ha ladies you know my number if you want to complain)

I never knew Compton Street was a gay hangout. I was wondering why everyone was holding hands.

BEER PONG ANYONE?

Woke up Sunday afternoon with a ripper of a hangover. Being in New York I thought it would criminal to not at least try and see the Statue of Liberty. So with great reluctance Britney and I walked down to Battery Park and sat next to some crazy jamaican lady muttering to herself about the weather and I admired the statue from afar (also saw a woman with the hairiest legs EVER. Yuck! I should of taken a photo).

From the park we walked back up through Greenwich Village and along Macdougall Street which is jam packed of bars and restaurants. By chance we stopped off at a bar called "Off The Wagon" for a beer and somehow didn't end up leaving. Now, if you're after cheap beer in New York then this place is the shit. $5 pitchers of beer. It is also the place where Britney and I discovered the joys of beer pong. It's a beer drinking game that is played in colleges everywhere in the States.

The locals were kind enough to teach us to rules and then proceeded to kick our asses for the rest of the night. We didn't win a game.

Long Island Style

• Cups are arranged, 10 on a side, in pyramid formation, as shown.
• Three beers per side, evenly distributed.
• Each team of two starts off with one ball. Players throw the ball across the court, trying to get the ball in a cup. When a ball lands in a cup, one player from that side must chug that cup, and it is removed from the play area (pushing it to the side is OK). When both players on a team sink a cup, they get the balls back.
• Drinking is alternated. One player drinks the first cup, the other drinks the second, the first player drinks the third, and so on. Throwing can either be alternated or done two at a time. Some people think that throwing two at a time improves accuracy, but studies are inconclusive. It's up to you and your partner.
• As soon as the ball touches anything, including a cup, it's fair game to be grabbed. If it bounces in, great, but you'd better hope your opponents have no reflexes. Bouncing it in counts for two cups.
• Cups are restacked into pyramids when 6 cups and 3 cups remain on a side.
• When 4 cups remain on a side, restack them in a diamond formation.
• When 2 cups remain, they are placed one in front of the other.
• When one cup remains, it is placed in the corner of the table.
• When the last cup on a side is hit, the losing team has the opportunity to match, getting one or two balls to shoot depending on whether or not the winning team used both shots. If the losing team manages to clear all of the winning team's cups while matching, both teams resume the game with three cups and one beer per side.
• Any cups left on the side of the winning team must be consumed by the losing team. If a player, for any reason whatsoever, drops a ball into a cup on his own side, he must drink it. Additionally, his teammate has the right to smack him on the head for being such a dumbass. There can be no exceptions to this rule.
• If the ball is still spinning in the cup, only girls can blow it out. If the ball gets wet, though, then it is declared in the cup.
• Winning five games in a row qualifies you as a dynasty.

Im getting myself one of these tables when I finally go home. It's going in the pool room with with all my other treasured possessions.

If you're really interested then check out the actual website http://www.beerpong.com

The Slug Count - Eight (Another Thursday night at the Slug)

ONE NIGHT IN A NEW YORK DINER!

First night in New York and I was plastered and needing some food so we stopped at a 24 hr diner were we ordered two corn beef and pastrami sandwiches. I’ve never seen so much meat before and I’ve watched more than my fair share of porn.



Met these friendly ladies. Mmmmh 100% Pure Latina. They suggested we go to the grocery store (I thought this was a club) to buy some beers to drink at Britney’s but apparently my mother was also in town and also crashing at Britney’s and we had to regretfully decline the offer.