TONY THE PSYCHIC

A few months ago I was wandering through Greenwich after Sandy had promised me a free dinner for carrying back some of her shopping from Shanghai. In the end it turned out to be shoes and odd bits of clothes but a small part of me was hoping it wasn’t a brick of grade A Afghani skunk and I momentarily had panicked visions of being hauled away by the Chinese police and rotting away in a cell for thirty years (Just kidding Sandy!)

As we were walking to the restaurant we were accosted by this extremely persistent lady who was looking for volunteers to sit in the audience for the recording of a television show for the Canadian Discovery channel in which a psychic’s mental abilities would be tested. I thought why not and cajoled Sandy up the stairs.

Once inside a professor (to be referred to as The Professor) began to describe the tasks that Tony would be asked to perform. The first test. A “volunteer” was going to select a single word from one of three books. Tony was then going to attempt to read the volunteer’s mind to correctly guess that word. The second test. Tony would attempt to bend a real nail using his magic brain powers. The final test. Finally he would be asked to reconstruct a picture drawn by a volunteer. This was the surprise test that he didn’t know about. I almost “oohed!” in anticipation.

For some reason I had expected and old man with a flowing white beard, purple robes and a pointy hat. So yes someone resembling Merlin the Magician. I was disappointed. Tony was a non-descript looking man in his early forties in a neat dark suit, really only noticeable if you’d tripped over his briefcase as you got off the Tube to work. Scratch one preconception Hippy = Psychic.

“Are you ready Tony?” The Professor began. Tony was a picture of cool, calm and collected as he replied. “Yes I am”

To increase the level of difficulty I began to project the word “tosser” towards him in an attempt to deflect the volunteer’s brain waves and have Tony embarrassingly utter it when he had to guess the word.

“Is there an S?” “Yes” Okay good start. Keep concentrating.

“Is there a T?” “Yes” Woohoo!

“Is there an R?” “Yes” Am I really doing this? Focus brain energy.

“Is there an E?” At this point in time I was starting to believe that I may indeed have some sort of psychic ability.

“Is there a V?” “No” Shit!

“Is it revolutions?” ”Yes”

I turned to Sandy quizzically as the camera panned across the audience to capture stunned silence.

“It’s time for the second test” The Professor handing the next volunteer, the lovely Charlie (she was really hot!) a nail.

Tony looked constipated. His face twisted and contorted with the effort of bending metal with his mind and beads of sweat began to form on his brow as he moved his hands around Charlie’s cupped hands.

“Can you feel anything moving?” I know I could.

“Yes it’s getting really hot” she squealed. It was getting kind of warm in there.

“Okay Charlie you can show us the nail now”

Charlie slowly opened her hands and lo and behold the nail was indeed bent as it lay gently shimmering in Charlie’s lovely hands. I was as flabbergasted as the heathens who had witnessed Jesus turn water into wine. I shook my head in disbelief.

To cut a long story short Tony did manage to recreate the picture that had been sealed in the envelope and my early skepticism had definitely begun to waver until they told us that it was all set up and it was really about the power of suggestion. I learnt a very important lesson. Damn I’m a gullible fuck.

So you may see me on Canadian Discovery channel. Just in case you don’t know I’m the Asian guy in the front with the slightly bewildered look on his face that screams “What the fuck just happened?”