FIREWORKS

I had expected a fireworks extravaganza along the river. During my 12 hour flight from London I had feverishly imagined an explosion of light and sound rippling along the shoreline slowly climaxing to a crescendo of fireworks shaped like a small Pekinese in honour of the Year of the Dog.

Reality

Shanghai crackled like Baghdad in May. As I raced by in my taxi through Shanghai’s empty streets, locals crept furtively amongst the shadows of the unlit streets like insurgents carefully placing their crackers on the road before slipping back into the safety of darkness to watch their handiwork.

The moral of the story is if you want good luck blow some shit up in Shanghai and if you want to see a spectacular fireworks display go to Sydney.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Shanghai is virtually a ghost town. It’s deserted. Everyone has gone home to their respective cities and towns for Chinese New Years. Robbins had booked a private room at the Flamingo for his mates. It was kind of surreal dancing with the club owners in this empty club to the DJ pumping out the house tunes. Managed to catch up with Yorky who was kind enough to ditch his relatives to come down and have a drink with me.

IT'S QUITTIN' TIME!

That’s it! I’ve had enough. I’m legging it. I’m going to officially quit the bank at the end of this month. Plan is to get to the HK Sevens in March and get shit faced and then I’m off to China for two months to get shit faced. Look forward to exciting blog updates such as “The World’s Biggest Chinatown in China”, “The Little Rickshaw that could”, “Xiao Jie is not a Dirty Word”. Oh and I assure you that there will be plenty of navel gazing.

THE BUFFALO THEORY!

If you can't be bothered writing anything yourself. Just paste in an email.

(In an episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.)

"Well you see, Norm, It's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

DE DOLLE DULLE TEVE 10º (MAD BITCH)

Legend has it that it was first brewed in the early 1700's by alcoholic Trappist eunuch monks who ran an insane asylum for mentally unhinged women. Due to it’s high alcohol content it was reputedly used to sedate those who were lucky enough to be committed there. It was also a very handy disinfectant.

Apparently the monestary had a very talented men's choir.

AHNISMS

Like my good friend Dubya Bush who is well known for engaging his mouth before his brain. My good friend Anh is well known for saying inappropriate things at inopportune times. The difference is that she actually means what she says.

"How did you win Miss Vietnam. You’re not even very pretty" she exclaims as the winner walks by.

"You know when I first met you I thought you were one of those Chinese weirdos but you’re actually okay". Five minutes later. "Say my name bitch!" to a slightly bewildered Taiwanese girl.

"That’s why I suck white man’s cock!" she screams at the Vietnamese Students Charity Event. If there was context I would of provided it.

Keep truckin’ girlfriend.

DANCING SCOOTER!

Footage of Scooter boot scootin' his way across Oktoberfest. I haven't been able to figure how you embed these bloody things so you'll have to make do with the link.

http://www.youtube.com/w/?v=uAhO762BFyk

I'M DREAMING OF A NOT SO WHITE CHRISTMAS

I had agreed to go to a christmas ball where the theme was black tie and oriental. It was interesting to say the least. I’ll take any chance to get the Kelly Country tux out for a run and promptly asked my mother to send it out to me. Unfortunately it didn’t get here in time and perhaps when I think about it, it probably wasn’t very cost effective to send an $80 polyester/wool mix tux to England (but thanks for the Tim Tams Mum).

I asked Hodges to come along as I know he loves a good buffet i.e. he has the fever bad. My night was looking up when I showed up and found that I was seated on a table full of girls. Woohoo! Not long after, I was moved to another table. I was absolutely spewing. Besides that my highlight was the red vomit on the dance floor and the blithering mess who had created it.

Sandy after sucking a lemon

NEW YEARS EVE 2005

Trekked across London from the West Side to the East Side to a chinese restaurant in the Docklands then back across to Clapham for a bit of Norman Jay at the Grand. Hannibal from the A-Team couldn't have pulled it off. I love it when a plan comes together.


Video of New Years Eve festivities.

http://www.youtube.com/?v=9pC1eXS3grw

TINTIN WAS BELGIAN?

Nothing like a trip down memory lane and amnesia cul-de-sac to bring a tear to your eye. I had no idea that Tintin was Belgian.

http://www.tintin.com/

Irrefutable proof

THE ONLY PHOTO I TOOK IN SHANGHAI!

This is pretty much the only photo I took in Shanghai over Christmas. It's from the Oriental Pearl Tower on the banks of the murky Huangpu River. It sort of looks like a massive syringe or a penis with a needle sticking out of it. Depends on who you ask I suppose. The view was pretty much the same no matter where you looked hence the one photo. Just buildings and skyscrapers as far as the eye can see.