SHANGHAI DELIGHTS. NOTHING LIKE TURKISH DELIGHTS.

Shanghai by day is like a washed out grainy photo. Everything has a sepia like tinge. The sun glows weakly across the city through the haze of chemicals. It’s only at night when Shanghai comes alive when the neon lights flash, gaudily flashing their wares to all and sundry and when I come out to play.

I’m excited to be back. My existence in town is vampire like. Clubbing by night and sleeping by day. Cultural enrichment or knowledge is spurned for Shanghai’s more tangible delights.

We hit Bon Bon. It looks like a cubist’s wet dream but the music is good and I’m in a dancing mood. I’m wasted and I drunkenly shout out show us yer tits in jest to these girls with droopy cow eyes. To my delight they understand what I say and Eugs and I piss our selves laughing. Standing up is tricky when Robbins is around.

It’s Christmas Eve. Fabrique. I meet Shirley. She’s just broken up with her boyfriend who owns the club and needs a sympathetic ear. In my state all I can do is listen. She’s cute as a button and the girl can really dance.

Christmas Day. It’s only appropriate I treat the boys to a night at KTV. It’s an institution in Asia. Where business and pleasure mix as freely as scotch and green tea. We convince one of the girls to take us for a tour of the place. In a freakish sober moment it feels dirty just being there. I learn yet another Chinese drinking game.

Laris. I’ve just had the best veal of my life and am sipping a sauvignon blanc from back home. The Pudong skyline lights up the night through the window and I wonder why the fuck I’m going home.

Off to Babyface 2. Dan is accosted by a thirty something year old woman in a zebra print top. She tries to get him to play dice games but he won’t have any of it. She tries giving him popcorn with her mouth. He refuses. Eugs shakes his head, Brian says no. I feel sorry for her so I have a go. Charity begins at home or so my mother always says.

Oops. I’ve missed my flight and the next one is in two days.

Shirley asks me how many clubs I’ve been to in Shanghai and funnily enough I think I’ve almost been to all of them. I feel a strange sense of accomplishment but don’t know why.

Windows in Jing An. Hip hop mayhem. Cheapest drinks in town and the crowd is scarily young.

As always my last night in Shangers is tinged with regret. Shit!

BIRDS DO IT BEES DO IT, EVEN EDUCATED FLEAS DO IT....

I guess even horseshoe crabs do it........fall in love that is.

Rusty Griswold: [watching the romantic couple make out at the table] Dad he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!
Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] ... Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.
Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.
Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.

Courtesy of Shanghai Aquarium.

KAREOKE LOVE!

It's 4.30AM. You've just stumbled out of some nightclub and you've had a skin full of piss. It's only natural that you should go somewhere to subject others to your rancid singing.


Please Eugs. I beg you. No more Me and Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on, We both know that it's wrong But it's much too strong to let it cool down now........................

To animal activists out there. Belle assures me that yes indeed that is Arctic Fox she is wearing.

A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM ME!

My Christmas Message this year is addressed especially to families. At the end of this year particularly dedicated to them, our thoughts return there, to the mystery of the Holy Family, from which the celebration began.

The Papal Legate will go once again to Nazareth, on the Feast of the Holy Family, to conclude solemnly this Year in the place sanctified by the humble and hardworking presence of Mary, Joseph and Jesus.

With this Message, I would like to call to mind what I said to the families of the world last February in the special Letter addressed to them. I wish to give thanks for all the fruits which the Year of the Family has produced in the individual Ecclesial Communities and the countries of every continent. Countless initiatives have been promoted during these months on behalf of the family, and the crowning of these took place in the unforgettable gathering of families from all over the world here, in this Square, on 8 and 9 October last. With great joy we celebrated then that great feast in which the family……………….snnnnnnooooooooooooorrrrrreeeeeeee!

Can I go on or what? Obviously Christmas can be a time for family and an opportunity for reflection and introspection for some (refer above). For others it’s just a few days off and bloody good piss up. I’m of the latter (That’s the piss up one in case I got that wrong).

When I think about it, it’s been a really good year. I’ve been all over the place and met plenty of new people. So to all friends old and new I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Wish you all the best for 2006.

Hopefully Santa will have brought me a 15 day World Cup tour with Frank Farina and Robbie Slater and some nicotine patches.

P.S. I’m off to Shangers for Christmas communist style. Hey Eugs! Crack open the Chivas it’s time to party.

BEST TEXT OF 2006!

Best text I've received all year. I don’t know why I find this so amusing but I do. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

"chuckin peanuts at dasco in ktv watching him cop head"

ASSIMILATE! ASSIMILATE!

Once again Australia’s reputation as a fair, tolerant nation is being dragged over the hot coals of international opinion after last weekend’s fracas in Sydney. Not only do we not like Aborigines but you can add Lebs and Wogs to that list as well.

The main complaint seems to be that immigrants just aren’t assimilating. I suppose that begs the question when are you considered to be a real Australian and if you haven’t yet assimilated how do we go about it. Is there a book I can buy? Well punters I’m afraid there’s only one road to assimilation and it’s paved in gold. Olympic Gold! You know you’ve made it as an Australian if you have represented Australia in sport. Once you’ve won who cares if you were previously part of a murderous government regime, a nazi (admittedly you would probably be too old to compete in the Olympics now but there is the Masters Olympics for geriatrics) or used to torture bunny rabbits for fun. We certainly won’t.

Migrant communities need to look to their strengths and encourage their children to take up the appropriate sports to win gold for Australia. Peoples from war stricken countries should be encouraged to take up shooting. Who needs a good education or job prospects when one day you could have your face on a box of WeetBix (or do I dare to dream Nutragrain) like Michael Diamond. If you want to go to university though I couldn’t imagine why, go there on a rugby scholarship like a normal person.

Boat people should be taking up sailing. If you can sail a leaking, disintegrating boat with fifty of your relatives across the Indian Ocean then sailing Australia III in the America’s Cup should be a piece of piss. Bugger John Bertrand we want Billy Nguyen.

Even I’m getting in on the act. My kids will be actively fed a strict diet of badminton, ping pong and archery from when they can walk. They will also only be taught those three words so that they will not be distracted by anything else in the pursuit for gold.

Migrants from Eastern Europe should take up weightlifting or other power based sports. Oops we’ve already been importing these guys in for years. As a nation we could double if not triple the number of medals we win at the next Olympics. Let’s stop giving out citizenships based on boring economic reasons and base our assessments purely on sporting ability. Think about it, boxers from Cuba, bobsledders from Jamaica, long distance runners from Kenya, ping pong players from Holland. The possibilities are endless. It will be only when politicians finally see sense and align our immigration laws to our Olympic goals that racial harmony will be achieved in our lifetime and we’ll finally beat those bloody yanks!

Let’s stop playing the blame game. Who cares who started what or why they did what they did. I don’t give a damn. If you’re dumb enough to beat people up while being filmed on camera then you deserve to go to jail for gross stupidity.

PS. I was going to encourage Indians to play cricket but that’s kind of pointless really.

10 THINGS I DID IN BRUGGE!

Brugge was beautiful, a picture perfect town where day and night packs of tourists roam freely hunting in packs for lace, chocolate, beer and Tin Tin related paraphernalia. Yes I went to Belgium on the weekend for Barton’s Goodbye Europe Tour 2005.

10. Went to the Tin Tin shop. Blistering barnacles! I had totally forgotten that Belgium was the home of Tin Tin. Ah getting all nostalgic now. Did you read the one where Tin Tin and Snowy got into all that trouble in Nepal and the Thompson twins got arrested and………
9. Ate Italian food all weekend. Yes I could’ve had mussels but didn’t feel like it.
8. I took pictures of old decrepit things – old people, really old buildings, the nightlife
7. Missed our train back to London and had to shell out for another return fare. It’s a tough choice between going back and throwing away 50 quid. I’m throwing it away.
6. Played a mystifying game involving a piece of wood, hammer and nails while drunk.
5. Went to the pub with three hundred beers. Try the Mad Bitch beer. Barton didn’t like it as it was too chewy. 10% beers usually are.
4. Smelt a hostel room after 5 blokes reeking of piss have passed out in it. It reeked!
3. Threw up in Charlie Rocket’s. At least I made it to the bathroom. For other’s the bedding was appropriate. Sweet apple shots and tequila after the train ride did it for me.
2. Got drunk on the Eurostar going to Brussels.

And the number one………

1. Took photo of ambiguous stain on Desh’s bed. I think he may of had an accident. There’s still plenty of conjecture over what it was. Suffice to say that nobody slept there after that.

OLD DECREPIT THINGS!