BELLY OF THE BEAST

I was flicking through the channels on my magical sky box the other night when I came across a movie called Belly of the Beast starring Steven Seagal The Great. I thought to myself “hey this should be good for a couple of hours of wanton, mind numbing violence”. I was sadly mistaken. On this effort arguably Steve’s best years are behind him. My first reaction on seeing the man was a mix of horror and disbelief. Horror, as he is so horribly fat now and disbelief, as I still haven’t figured out how he swallowed that whale. The man is ginormous. In the past Steve’s greatest strength (or weakness) was his stone faced demeanour. This mask of indifference carried him though Under Siege 1 and 2 with great success. His face is so pudgy now that I found it difficult to distinguish a smile from constipation.

As for the movie, Stevie plays an ex CIA operative (he’s always playing an ex something) trying to rescue his/someone’s kidnapped daughter in Thailand. Watching a fat white man in a kimono effortlessly negotiate the seedy underbelly of Bangkok’s underworld was farcical. No, wait actually I’ve been to Bangkok and he would of fit right in. I’ve probably seen him there perched up on three stools in some go go bar on Soi Cowboy and not given him a second glance.

I couldn’t help but feel that Stevie is wrestling with more spiritual matters than making a decent movie. Much emphasis was placed on his appreciation of “the teachings of the Buddha”. Shots of temples and monks were interspersed with shots of Seagal and more monks. I suspect his Buddhist leanings have tempered the once unquenchable thirst for blood and the body count in this movie suffered as a result. Compared to his best films he just wasn’t dispatching his foes with the same gusto. His heart just wasn’t in it.

An alternative view after watching it while high on crack cocaine.

Link to be added due to numerous complaints.

The Slug Count - Three